


Mistakes

by ikjottw



Category: CIX, Silverboys - Fandom, Treasure 13, YG Treasure Box (TV)
Genre: Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 12:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19173670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikjottw/pseuds/ikjottw
Summary: Choi Hyunsuk and Lee Byounggon have broken up because of Hyunsuk’s infidelity. However, they have no choice but to keep living in their shared flat until their contract is up. Choi Raesung is the man who Hyunsuk cheated on Byounggon with. What happens when one day when Raesung is waiting for Hyunsuk to come home when suddenly he says he can’t?





	Mistakes

Byounggon loved Choi Hyunsuk, he was his soulmate. They had been dating for two years now, they were close enough, to the point that Byounggon and him had moved in together a year into their relationship. Choi Hyunsuk was Lee Byounggon’s everything and he would have it no other way. 

That’s why when his best friend Kim Seunghun brings up rumours about Hyunsuk’s infidelity Gon brushes it off, “He’d never do that, you see how in love he is with me too.” Seunghun frustratedly sighs over Gon’s words.

“I’m telling you, he’s got another boyfriend.” Seunghun’s voice was desperate as he urged Gon to believe him. Seunghun had spent the last couple of hours trying to persuade Gon that his boyfriend wasn’t loyal. That he didn’t truly love him. Byounggon laughed a little at the thought, this was Hyunsuk they were talking about. The Hyunsuk who constantly clings to Gon. “You’re overthinking it.” Gon says. 

-

Hyunsuk leaned on the ledge of the railing near his house, he sighs. Suddenly feeling more and more empty by the moment. That was what his days consisted of lately, he had fallen out of love. It didn’t even have anything to do with Gon himself, a few months ago Hyunsuk had spiraled into depression. Suddenly nothing felt the same anymore, he wished he had a reason for feeling the way he did, but he didn’t. He’s not suggesting that Byounggon wasn’t there for him during it, because he was. But eventually it just wasn’t enough anymore, Hyunsuk didn’t feel anything for him. However, at the same time he was too scared to break it off. He was scared of the unknown. He was a coward really. 

Hyunsuk bit his bottom lip, chewing angrily on the soft flesh.

And to make matters worse, as his life had spiraled out of the control, he had done the unthinkable, he had been un -

A sudden darkness obscured his vision and Hyunsuk yelped in surprise as hands covered his eyes, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“I thought you had class?” A familiar voice teased next to his ear before pulling away.

Hyunsuk’s chest tightened at that familiar voice, his stomach doing a funny little flip. He would have known that husky baritone anywhere. It was the sound that consumed Hyunsuk’s dreams at night and rang in his ears when he woke up in the morning.

“Raesung” He exclaimed, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. Turning around and tilting his head up to look into the brown of his part time lover.

“How did you - ? Never mind,” Hyunsuk trailed off with a shake of his head, unable to contain a small, shy smile from gracing his lips. Knowing full well the twenty-two year old would never tell him how he always seemed to find him. It seemed some days Raesung just had a sixth sense for tracking Hyunsuk down. “To be expected of you,” Hyunsuk said, his voice curling with admiration as Hyunsuk’s eyes flicked back up to meet Raesung’s.

Raesung chuckled softly, stepping closer until their bodies were almost touching. His arms circled Hyunsuk’s waist, his eyes crinkling slightly at the sides as he looked down at Hyunsuk with a heat that could scald him.

Hyunsuk’s heartbeat quickened and he could feel his cheeks redden under the intensity of his stare he reserved for these private moments when they were completely alone. Even after six months of late night encounters and inappropriate feelings, Choi Raesung could still make his heart beat faster than anything.

A sudden flash raced through Hyunsuk’s mind, wiping the smile from his face, as he thought about how Raesung might leave if he truly ever found out how dark Hyunsuk’s mind truly was. 

Raesung’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched Hyunsuk’s smile fade, “What’s wrong?”

The question hung in the cold winter air and Hyunsuk opened his mouth and closed it; his words dancing on the tip of his tongue. It would be so easy to tell him. He was Hyunsuk’s confidant. His support. His secret lover after all. But even his parents had told him he was faking his mental illnesses since he was twelve, it’s why he never got the courage to tell Byounggon. But with Raesung he felt like he could, he wanted to. 

Hyunsuk still remembers the night him and Raesung had met, he had seen a guy leaning on a pole smoking his cigarette in front of a club. He had immediately known who he was, it was Choi Raesung. The richest guy in school, unattainable, “doesn’t do feelings.” Choi Raesung. Getting affiliated with him meant instant heartbreak, didn’t matter who you were. But Hyunsuk had nothing to lose, he didn’t want to live anymore anyways. So that’s why when Raesung offered to buy him a drink he had nodded. 

Looking back, Hyunsuk still didn't quite understand why he had given in. Maybe it was because he was unwilling to go back to the place he called home or because deep inside he was slightly curious about the mysterious boy, but either way, he had followed Choi Raesung into a small bar. Then as they sat in the back of a dark booth, side by side, Hyunsuk’s carefully built walls began to crack. And in a moment of confusion, he had kissed Raesung.

It had been entirely inappropriate. He was in a relationship after all and Raesung was who he was but as Raesung’s hand had laced their fingers together under the table, Hyunsuk had known he lost all willpower to resist.

It had escalated quickly after that. Raesung had taken his hand and brought him to a love hotel, where he proceeded to make Hyunsuk feel things he had never imagined were possible. Playing his body as easily as a skilled pianist, he brought Hyunsuk to the edge over and over. He had fallen for Choi Raesung that night. Hard.

Even the self-loathing he had felt the next day, when the sin of his infidelity had blazed like a scarlet letter across Hyunsuk’s forehead, he had willingly returned.

And returned.

And returned.

Hyunsuk licked his bottom lip. He knew he was just hurting herself by allowing their illicit relationship to continue. It wasn’t like the soft touches and gentle kindness Raesung offered him were real. He was just playing him. Hyunsuk was just another one of of the guys Raesung kept around, he knew never to get his hopes up. Because this was enough for him, just being by Raesung’s side whenever he could. Technically, he didn’t have the right to get upset, he had a boyfriend as well. 

Hyunsuk let his gaze fall to the floor. 

“Nothing is bothering me,” He mumbled, tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear.  
Hyunsuk wasn’t looking at Raesung, but he could sense one delicate brow raise in question. 

“Nothing?” Raesung asked incredulously.

“Nothing,” Hyunsuk said firmly, curling his hands into fists and raising his head.

“Bullshit,” Raesung replied. The crass word stung, but his voice wasn’t unkind. “You wouldn’t be out here with such a serious expression if something wasn’t bothering you.”

Hyunsuk bit his bottom lip as he took a half step back out of his arms. “It’s just…” he began hesitantly, Hyunsuk’s heart tightening uncomfortably. The memory of cold eyes gazing out at him, when Raesung was with another one of his toys at school. “It’s nothing. I should be going,” Hyunsuk mumbled, squaring his shoulders, he attempted to brush past Raesung.

A large hand stopped him, wrapping around his upper arm. “Tell me,” Raesung ordered. His voice hardening. Demanding Hyunsuk’s attention as the hand enclosed around his upper arm pulled Hyunsuk back into Raesung’s chest. Raesung’s other arm coming up to wrap securely around Hyunsuk’s waist, keeping him from escaping.

He smelled faintly of strawberries.

“Tell me,” Raesung repeated, pressing his nose into Hyunsuk’s hair as they stood in silence.

Hyunsuk could feel a wetness start to gather at the edge of his vision. He was weak. All it took was one man showing him a little bit of kindness and he lost all will to resist.

 

Sometimes he hated himself.

He let it out, “I love you.” Silence. That’s what happened. Raesung’s arms dropped from his waist. He looked at in Hyunsuk in disbelief, “Love me?” He asked incredulously. 

Hyunsuk felt tears gather in his eyes, was it really that repulsive of an idea for Raesung? That Hyunsuk had fallen in love with him? He knew that he couldn’t compare to some of the guys Raesung always hung around, he wasn’t as cute, as rich or as successful. He was a depressed loner who had no one but Byounggon lately. 

“Yeah, I do. Funny isn’t it? I fell in love with the only person who makes me feel like things will be okay, but he’s also the most emotionally unavailable person to exist. You make everything seem not as dark anymore Raesung, and trust me, darkness is all my mind has. Y-You make even my loud mind quiet, just by being here.” 

Hyunsuk sobbed into Raesung’s chest, he had probably ruined everything just now. Raesung was probably going to run and never come back. That’s why he held onto him like a lifeline, he needed to hold Raesung as much as he could before Raesung disappeared from his life forever. 

He almost felt himself jump up in surprise when Raesung raised his arms and wrapped them around Hyunsuk again. 

“Hyunsuk,” the deep timbre of Raesung’s voice reverberated through Hyunsuk as he cut him off. “You think too much,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Hyunsuk’s head. “You are the smartest, strongest person I know. You'll be okay,” he said, tightening his embrace.

Raesung’s words were warm and were meant to reassure. They were the support Hyunsuk had longed to hear for so long. Still, his heart constricted painfully at the meaning behind those simple phrases. This was goodbye, their play was entering its closing act. Raesung wasn’t saying ‘I love you.’ back. 

Hyunsuk nodded into his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered. Hoping Raesung understood he was talking about more than just for tonight. Raesung had saved him at the darkest time in his life. When Hyunsuk had felt he couldn’t go on, Raesung had reached out and provided him sanctuary.

Raesung kissed his head.

“Hey, smile for me,” he whispered, his breath puffing out to brush the crown of Hyunsuk’s head. Giving Hyunsuk a quick squeeze, he pulled away. “Look I brought you something,” he continued, his voice almost deadpan, as he swung his shoulder bag around and unzipped the top.

Hyunsuk couldn’t help from tilting his head as he watched him pull out a neatly wrapped package and hand it to him. “What’s this?” Hyunsuk asked, genuinely curious. The object was heavier than expected and Hyunsuk wondered why he even bothered.

“Open it,” Raesung said, sliding his hands into the slighted pockets of his jeans as he watched Hyunsuk inspect the package.

Hyunsuk glanced up at him questioningly from beneath long lashes, before his curiosity won over and he gingerly unwrapped the gift. Eyes widening in shock.

It was a book.

“It’s on fashion design, you always said that when you get the courage you would finally pursue it right?,” he explained, the corner of his lips pulling up into a barely there smile. “You had wanted it, right?” Raesung asked with a slight tilt of his head.

“You had been talking about it last time we were together,” Raesung continued. “And I couldn’t get you accessories or anything that would be to conspicuous, but, I thought this would do…”

Hyunsuk couldn’t contain his smile as he wrapped his arms securely around the gift and held it close to his chest. “I love it!” He smiled. “Thank you Raesung” he said, unconsciously stepping closer to Raesung, his head tilting up, as Hyunsuk’s eyes sparkled in happiness.

“Good,” Raesung muttered, pulling his hands free from his pockets as a warmth spread through him at seeing Hyunsuk’s delight.

Slowly he lifted a hand up to cup Hyunsuk’ cheek as he leaned down, angling his head as their breaths intermingled. His brown eyes trailed down Hyunsuk features, memorizing the shape of his eyes and dainty nose. Tracing lower, intending to land on his plump lips, Hyunsuk’s lifted his hand up in embarrassment so he could rub his neck, but not before Raesung saw it. Cold anger raced through his veins.

“What’s this?” he asked, his voice dropping in the familiar tone he had learned to use after years of seeing his father in board meeting. The tone that could send his business partners scattering and that left no room for argument.

Raesung reached out to lightly touch his wrist and Hyunsuk flinched back, trying to cover his wrists with his sleeves. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled stepping back out of his hold. “I got them cooking yesterday,” Hyunsuk whispered his eyes darting to the ground. He knew his excuse had made no sense, that Raesung had found out and it was too late. 

“No, it’s not,” he bit out softly. “Don’t lie to me, Hyunsuk. I know the difference between purposely self inflicted marks and accidental ones,” he snarled, his voice barely above a whisper.

Hyunsuk bit his lip. He didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s nothing…”

“Fuck that!” he growled. “I’m concerned Hyunsuk!”

The word shot through his heart, burning Hyunsuk like acid.

“Concerned?” Hyunsuk whispered, unable to keep his voice from breaking. He allowed his mask of pretending to slip back in place with practiced ease. “Thank you, Raesung. But I’m fine,” He said, straightening to his full height and taking a half a step back. “I should be going.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Raesung rumbled. 

Hyunsuk’s lips thinned, “Raesung, thank you for your concern, but this is a personal matter. And I don't want to burden you when I know you just think of this as a -”

Warm lips silenced Hyunsuk. Sucking out all the air in his lungs as Raesung pulled him closer and pressed his flush against him. A large hand cupped Hyunsuk’s chin to tilt his head up as Raesung pushed his tongue past Hyunsuk’s lips, twining the muscle with his.

It was intoxicating. Hyunsuk’s whole body was suddenly on fire with just one kiss. And he couldn’t hold back a small moan from escaping his lips as Raesung gently pulled away until his mouth hovered over Hyunsuk’s.

“Is that what you truly think this is?” Raesung demanded against his lips. “That this is just a fling?”

Hyunsuk bit back a soft whimper as guilt and self-loathing welled up within him. 

Desperately he tried to turn his gaze away so Raesung couldn’t see how much his words had affected him. “We can’t…I can’t…” Hyunsuk fumbled. “It would break Gon and I-I’m not someone that’s of your status…”

“Fuck that!”

The grip on Hyunsuk’s chin tightened. Not painfully, but forcing him to maintain eye contact. “What do you want?” Raesung questioned. “Not what my family wants. Not what Gon wants. What does Hyunsuk want?” he demanded.

Hyunsuk’s breath stuttered as his eyes began to blur. He tried to take a deep breath but a growing lump in his throat was making it impossible to get the oxygen his body suddenly needed. “I…I,” his voice cracked. “Just tonight,” Hyunsuk finally whispered, as Raesung’s two large calloused hands cupped his face wiping away the moisture threatening to spill from the sides of Hyunsuk’s eyes. “I want to be with you. One last time. Please, just for tonight, hold me…”

Warm lips gently locked with Hyunsuk’s in a chaste kiss. “Just for tonight.” Raesung promised.

-

Byounggon entered the apartment in a hurry, he had forgotten his keys and Hyunsuk tended to be asleep when he came back from work late in the night. He felt something odd as soon as he entered their shared flat, for starters there was an extra pair of shoes located at the entrance. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Hyunsuk hated having people over, said that this was his safe place and he didn’t need people intruding. 

Hyunsuk’s laughter echoed down the hall. Surprisingly, it sounded like it came from their bedroom. Gon’s face crinkled up, his boyfriend liked to have quiet nights in. 

What was happening? Gon walked further down the hall towards their bedroom, more curious now than anything about what had happened to Hyunsuk.

The sound of a male moaning caused Gon to freeze, it wasn’t Hyunsuk’s voice. He felt his blood run cold, like ice had been inserted into Gon’s veins. He walked forwards without thinking his steps faltering slightly, he had to see if what his brain was telling him was true. He hoped that it was just a sound that his mind came up with and not an actual thing. Maybe Gon was hallucinating, and maybe everything was actually silent.

Byounggon peeked through the slit in the door, the room was lighted with his scented candle that sat on their dresser. He felt his heart sink to the floor in pure shock. He could make out the figure that wasn’t his boyfriend with legs wrapped around his hips. He couldn’t see whoever it was that his boyfriend was with, and he didn’t want to see.

Gon turned away from the door and let his back silently hit the wall as tears streamed down his cheeks. He wanted to scream but no sound came out of his mouth. His breathing grew heavier as the shock of what he saw started to settle in his mind.

There was no way he would do that. What Gon just saw completely shattered the confidence that he had previously had in his boyfriend. That he loved him. If he loved him, he wouldn’t be with another man. He had thought that Hyunsuk would always be his and he would be Hyunsuk’s. Except, Hyunsyk just tore that thought up into miniscule pieces. How long had he been doing this? Was he the cuckolded boyfriend, who had no idea his boyfriend was having an affair behind his back? Fuck, Seunghun had tried to tell him, multiple people had tried to help him and he had just defended Hyunsuk with all his might. He was a fucking fool. Hyunsuk’s mood had been better lately, he had finally started smiling again. Going out more, but Gon had equated it to him finally healing. Was the man in there with Hyunsuk the reason for Hyunsuk’s newfound happiness? 

He didn’t know what to do in this situation? What does one do when their boyfriend is cheating on them and they’re standing in front of the door. He suddenly hears Hyunsuk’s voice, “I love you, Raesung.” Gon almost drops his phone in shock, he had barely gotten Hyunsuk to say I love you until two years after they had known each other, how long had this been going on? 

Wait, Raesung? The name sounded familiar to Gon, then the realization hit him. Choi Raesung, playboy Choi Raesung. Seriously Hyunsuk? If he were going to cheat on Gon then might as well have chosen someone who actually had feelings. Raesung’s reply came a few seconds later, “I love you too Hyunsuk.” 

“I want you to open up to me you know?” Raesung continued. Gon heard a sob come through the door and was confused when he felt pity for his boyfriend, “I don't want you to understand it," Hyunsuk said, voice cracking. "It's black and chaotic and horrible. I can only make sense of a few things and the rest is dark and empty; it's hell but it's me and I don't want anyone to see it.” Gon should be mad at him, but all he’s ever wanted was for Hyunsuk to be happy. 

 

"I just want to be happy," Hyunsuk whimpered.

Gon can hear Raesung’s pained voice, "I know."

"My mind is such a mess," Hyunsuk told him. "I don't understand it at all."

"I love you," Raesung reminded him. "Don't be afraid to be honest with me and show yourself to me. We'll work though it together, like everything else.” 

Now Gon’s mouth was wide open, it was an open secret known to everyone that Choi Raesung never said I love you. Doesn’t matter who or what you were. He’d get what he wants and then drop you. He bitterly laughed a bit, of fucking course, if there was anyone that could bring Choi Raesung’s walls down it was probably Hyunsuk. Gon had experienced how he was able to get everyone wrapped around his finger the best. But was Hyunsuk really this broken? Why had he never known? He felt like a shitty boyfriend, Hyunsuk was the one cheating so why did Gon feel shit about himself? Hyunsuk had never shared his feelings with him, he was like a shut book. How had Raesung gotten him to open up when Gon hadn’t even crossed the surface. He felt jealousy arise in his chest. 

He had to open the door but he kept hesitating, what if they were still going at it? Gon didn’t want to see that. 

He took a deep breath and said fuck it, he opened the door. As soon as he did he saw Hyunsuk cuddling into Raesung’s chest, he felt himself get angry and then feel his heart break even more at the same time. Because, Hyunsuk was looking at Raesung like he was everything and the worst part was Raesung was looking at him the same way. Gon doesn’t even remember the last time him and Hyunsuk had even hugged, he never pushed him because he knew Hyunsuk was going through a rough patch in his life. But, Hyunsuk was here right now in the arms of another man. 

Raesung looks at him first, but Gon doesn’t see any guilt or shock in his eyes, in fact, he sees amusement? Raesung smirks a bit and Gon wants to go there and punch him. Raesung leans down and kisses Hyunsuk more, looking Gon straight in the eyes. Gon feels himself gaping like a fish, who the fuck did he think he was? Hyunsuk moans into the kiss and Gon wants to cry, the only one who had ever  
made Hyunsuk like that, was him. Hyunsuk pulls away with a smile, but then see’s that Raesung’s eyes are directed behind him. He turns around and finally sees Gon standing there. 

Gon can see Hyunsuk’s face turn white in horror. “Fuck you, Hyunsuk.” He manages to clench out. 

“G-Gon, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Gon stops him before he can defend himself, strange enough, he feels calm. “How long has this been going on for?” 

Hyunsuk looks like he’s having trouble replying so Raesung answers for him, “Six months.” He says in a bored tone. Gon fucking hates him. He feels his face go slack, that was around their one year anniversary. Around when they moved in together.

Byounggon holds his phone even tighter, he’s almost afraid it will break from the pressure, “Do you love him?” Hyunsuk’s eyes grow even wider in surprise at Gon’s unexpected question. But the truth is Gon should’ve seen it coming, he hadn’t been there for Hyunsuk, when Hyunsuk was going through his worst times, Gon was busy with work. He had thought it was okay back then, that Hyunsuk would get through it. He had overestimated their relationship. Maybe he should’ve caught onto the signs that Hyunsuk was falling out of love a long time ago. 

Hyunsuk went quiet, he opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally answering, “I do.” Gon nodded silently. 

He saw Raesung looking at him in shock, Raesung had never thought Hyunsuk would leave Gon for him. It was the reason Hyunsuk wanted this to be their last night, he felt his heart swell with love for the older. 

Gon sighed, “The rent contract, we still have 3 months until it’s over. Are you okay with us living together until then?” Hyunsuk and Raesung were looking at him in complete confusion, even Gon was shocked at himself. Maybe Gon had fallen out of love a long time ago too without realizing it. 

“You’re okay with this?” Hyunsuk asks in utter disbelief. Gon snorts, “Of course i’m not, but there’s nothing I can do about it right? You’re happy right?” Hyunsuk nods in silence, “Then, that’s what matters. Though you could’ve just told me you weren’t happy in this relationship Hyunsuk, I wouldn’t have stopped you. I am mad that you had a shitty way of dealing with it.”

He sees Hyunsuk’s eyes well up with tears, he should be the one crying so why was Hyunsuk even taking the spotlight for this. He can see that Raesung wants to comfort him, but is hesitating, probably because Gon is there. Hyunsuk speaks up again, “I could stay at Raesung’s if you’re uncomfortable.”

Gon just shakes his head, “Do whatever you want. I’ll go sleep in the guestroom.” 

-

As soon as Gon enters, he breaks down. He tries to silence his sobs. Knowing that the walls were thin, he silently cries into his pillow. Why? Why wasn’t he enough for him?

-

For two months Byounggon had to see Raesung visiting their flat almost everyday, Byounggon usually left as soon as he came. Not wanting to see the guy that had stolen his boyfriend away from him. He hated to admit it, but Raesung was good for Hyunsuk. He had convinced Hyunsuk to go to a psychiatrist consistently, Hyunsuk had started to smile more, little by little. Raesung treated Hyunsuk like he was the only person in the world. 

-

Things started going awry when Raesung found out that Hyunsuk still cuddled Gon in his bed, “What the fuck do you mean it’s platonic? That’s your ex fucking boyfriend, you told people we were just platonic friends at first too.” Hyunsuk felt tears well up in his eyes, “You seriously think i’d cheat on you Raesung?” He whimpered. 

Raesung scoffed, “It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve cheated on someone.” Hyunsuk felt like he had gotten slapped in the face, he completely shut down. It hit Raesung a few seconds later, the realization of what he said finally dawning upon him. “Hyunsuk, you know I didn’t mean tha-“ Hyunsuk lifted his hand up, stopping Raesung. “Fuck you.” He moved to open the door, but before he could Raesung grabbed his wrist. “Hyunsuk, let’s just talk about it okay? I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I love you Suk, you’re everything to me. I’ve never gotten jealous because of anyone before you and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m sorry, okay?”

Hyunsuk just looked at him before hugging him, “I don’t like when you get mad at me.” He said, his voice muffled because of Raesung’s shirt. 

Raesung ran his fingers through Hyunsuk’s hair, “I know baby, I won’t do it again.” 

Hyunsuk sighed, “He gets scared at night?” Raesung raises his eyebrows in confusion, “What?” 

“Gon, he’s scared of ghosts or some shit. I never even touch him when we’re in the same bed.” Raesung felt himself snort, “Hyunsuk, have you ever thought about the fact that he’s probably lying just so you’d cuddle with him?”

Hyunsuk whacked his chest, “I know when Gon’s lying. He actually gets scared.” 

Raesung just smirked, “Is that so?” 

Hyunsuk knew Raesung was still mad so he lifted his head up and looked him straight in the eyes, “I won’t ever do it again.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

 

-

Raesung was waiting for Hyunsuk to come back to his flat from his parents house, Raesung had booked them a reservation at one of the best restaurants in the city. He waited and waited.

Eventually it was fifteen minutes after their reservation was supposed to take place and Hyunsuk called him. “Raesung, I’m so sorry. My parents insisted I stayed over since I hadn’t seen them in a long time. I’m trying to find a way to leave. Just wait a bit okay?”

Raesung cut him off, “Stay with them.”

“But our dinner-“ Hyunsuk starts, but before he can finish Raesung begins speaking, “We can go on our dinner anytime, you haven’t seen them in a long time. Spend some time with them, yeah?”

The line is silent for a second before Hyunsuk speaks, “I love you.” Raesung knows he’s about to cry again. “Stop being a crybaby, I love you too. Now go and have fun with your family, okay?” 

“You know me better than anyone Raesung. I’m so fucking thankful for you. Please don’t ever leave me, I wouldn’t know what to do.” Hyunsuk sobbed through the line. Raesung felt his heart wrench, “We’ve been through this Hyunsuk, I’m right here and i’m not going anywhere. You’re everything to me.” 

“I know. But I get scared sometimes. I just have a bad feeling in my stomach, like everything’s going too good right now and shit’s going to get fucked up soon.” 

Raesung sighed, “You need to stop overthinking it. We’ll be fine okay? Because I love you and you love me and that’s all that matters.” Raesung can almost feel Hyunsuk nod through the phone, becoming used to every single one of his actions, “Thank you for dealing with me.” 

“You’re not a chore Hyunsuk. I do it because I want to. Now go and have fun before your parents think you’ve passed out in the washroom or something.”

“How did you know I was in the washroom?-“ Raesung cuts him off and smiles a bit, “I know you better than anyone, don’t I?” Raesung can sense the smile in Hyunsuk’s words, “Yeah, you do.” 

The line cuts and Raesung stays on the couch at Hyunsuk’s couch just surfing the channels on the television. He hears the door open after a while and looks up to see that it’s Gon, Gon furrows his eyebrows, “Waiting for Hyunsuk?” 

Raesung shakes his head, “He’s going to come back this morning. He’s at his parents.” Gon smiles, “He’s finally in touch with them again?”

Raesung nods, “Yeah, he is.” 

“That’s good.” 

Raesung hums, “No offence man, but your dark circles are seriously distracting me right now.” 

Gon runs a hand through his hair frustratedly, “I haven’t been sleeping the best lately.” 

Raesung raises his eyebrows, “Any reason why?” Gon feels a blush rise up on his cheeks, “You’re going to laugh.” 

Raesung pats the seat beside him and smirks, “Try me, I’m actually quite a good listener, you know?” 

Gon seems to hesitate for a bit before sitting beside Raesung. “I’m kind of scared of ghosts?” Gon can see Raesung’s trying to hold in his laughter, “See, I told you that you would laugh.”

Raesung shakes his head, “I’m sorry man, It’s not because of that. Just that Hyunsuk told me the same thing and I just assumed you were only using it as an excuse to cuddle with him.” Realization hits Gon, “That’s why he stopped?”

“I guess so? I never forced him to though. I didn’t know it was that bad, ever think about looking for another boyfriend now?” Gon shakes his head, “I’m not ready yet.”

Raesung nods, although a bit guiltily, “Understandable.” 

He runs a hand through his hair, “Want me to sleep in your bed?” Gon almost chokes on his own spit, “W-What?” 

Raesung realizes what it sounded like he was suggesting, “We won’t cuddle or anything, like we can put pillow between us. But you just need someone in the room with you, right?” 

“I mean yeah? I guess?” 

Raesung smiles and then winks, “Then it’s settled, i’m all yours tonight Lee Byounggon.”

Byounggon feels his heart leap a bit and Raesung smile. He wants to slap himself. 

-  
Raesung’s looking at him in wonder, “You know I was always confused as to how you seemed so calm with the situation?” 

Gon sighs, “I think I fell out of love with him a long time ago too, eventually it felt like we weren’t even dating anymore. Just that we were living in the same house and when I caught you guys that night, that was the first time I had seen Hyunsuk so happy. He hadn’t looked at me even once like that in our entire relationship.” Gon felt his throat clog up. Raesung could see that Gon wasn’t telling him the whole story, he wrapped his arms around him, “I’m scared too, you know? I’m not used to being in committed relationships. The whole concept is scary for me. But with Hyunsuk, I think I can do it.” 

Gon lifts his head up and looks Raesung in the eyes, Raesung’s eyes are ones that anyone can feel themselves getting lost in. Deep and piercing. He wants to drown in them. “You treat him like he’s your whole world.” Gon feels his voice crack at the end, Hyunsuk was finally finding his happiness but Gon felt himself losing it more and more everyday. 

“You’ll find someone too Gon.” Raesung tries to comfort him.

“What if I don’t want anyone else? What if it’s you who I want?” Gon had never been one to hold his feelings in, he’s surprised he lasted this long with Raesung. 

Raesung’s eyes grow wide, “W-What?” 

Gon continues, “I thought i’d be jealous of you when you started coming over more often, but eventually it was Hyunsuk I became jealous of. You did everything for him, he’s always your first priority and you never expect anything in return and all I could think about was how I want to be the one to take care of you. It probably gets tiring, no? Having to take care of him all the time?”

Raesung’s eyes are burning with fury now, “I love him Gon-“

“Then why do you purposely tell him your busy sometimes? I’ve seen you with your friends making up excuses.” 

Raesung doesn’t have an answer for that, “I-I just need a break sometimes. It can be overwhelming, I already told you I’m not good at commitment.” 

“Then how about I be your stress relief? You want to be with Hyunsuk wholeheartedly right? But that’s not going to be possible if you’re constantly overwhelmed with him, if you had someone to help you relieve your stress, someone who you can talk about your problems with because Hyunsuk can’t deal with it, then you’d be able to come home to him with a relieved heart.”

Raesung’s walls are breaking down Gon can see it, “T-That’s bullshit.” 

“If he never finds out it won’t hurt him and you’ll be able to take care of him better.”

-

They’re on Gon’s bed, the pillow fort had been demolished long ago, he was on top of Raesung, leaving marks on his neck and pushing deeper and deeper inside him. Raesung was a moaning mess, “Must be hard having to be the one taking care of Hyunsuk all the time, bet you want to be taken care of sometimes too.” He spoke through their kisses. Raesung shuddered a bit and spoke,”Shut up and fuck me.” 

So Byounggon did exactly that, he didn’t know how they ended up like this. One moment they were just staring at each other, Gon in awe of Raesung’s features and before he knew it, he had kissed Raesung and Raesung hadn’t pushed him off. He knew this was wrong, so so fucking wrong. But at the same time, he wanted Raesung. He thinks he’s wanted Raesung for a long time. At a certain point he had stopped getting jealous of Raesung and started getting jealous because of him. 

No one could deny that Raesung knew how to treat his boyfriends right, that’s why they were all wrapped around his finger and at a certain point, Byounggon had fallen into his web too. The way Raesung made Hyunsuk feel like the only person in the world, Gon wanted that too. 

“Fuck, you’re so pretty.” He whispered to Raesung. “I know.” Raesung just smirked. 

-

Hyunsuk opened the door to his and Gon’s flat in excitement, he knew Raesung would still be awake waiting for him. He knew Raesung had told him to just stay at his parents but he had missed the younger uncontrollably. He had gotten his acceptance to the fashion school of his dreams in his email tonight and he couldn’t wait to tell Raesung. He knew how happy he’d be for him, Raesung was the one who pushed him to finally chase after his dreams. He clutched at the small box of cake he had bought on the way from Raesung’s favourite bakery. 

He entered the flat and saw that Raesung wasn’t waiting on the couch like he usually is, he frowned a bit but then figured he might’ve gotten tired earlier than usual today. He put the box of cake in the fridge, they could eat it tomorrow. He tiptoed to his bedroom, just in case Raesung was actually asleep, so he wouldn’t wake him up. He opened the door and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when he saw Raesung wasn’t there. He had seen his shoes at the front door so he was perplexed. He decided to go and ask Gon if he had seen him. He opened the door and let out a scream of horror when he saw that Raesung was there. With Gon. His hands were tugging Gon’s hair to stay grounded and even though there was a duvet covering them. Hyunsuk knew exactly what was going on. He was in Raesung. In his Raesung. 

Raesung and Gon both looked at the source of the shout and guilt and regret quickly clouded Raesung’s face when he saw how broken Hyunsuk looked. What the absolute fuck had he done? That was his whole world standing at the door and he had tossed it all to the trash just for a few moments of pleasure, because of his stupid fear of commitment. Raesung always had a knack for ruining the good things in his life. He had broken his everything. He didn’t even like Gon, he was shocked when he had kissed him. But found himself reciprocating it, scared of the extend of his feelings for Hyunsuk and there Byounggon was offering him an escape so he didn’t have to think about it anymore. 

Hyunsuk’s knees gave out and he collapsed to the floor. Raesung quickly pushed Byounggon off and put on his boxers. He leaned down to Hyunsuk’s level and moved to touch him when Hyunsuk whacked his hand off, “Don’t fucking touch me you fucking dick.” Raesung felt like he had been slapped in the face, Hyunsuk hated him. His Hyunsuk hated him and he had no one to blame but himself. 

“Hyunsuk, I love you.” He felt his tears falling out of his eyes. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t be fucking him Raesung. If you loved me, you wouldn’t even be in here. If you fucking loved me, you would’ve thought about me and stopped yourself.” 

Hyunsuk got up and Raesung mirrored his action, “It was a mistake Hyunsuk, it won’t happen again. Don’t leave me Hyunsuk, please? You’re my everything.” Raesung was about to full on sob now. 

Hyunsuk scoffed, still teary eyed, “Yeah, because his dick just accidentally fell into you. You know what Raesung? Fuck you. I fucking came early because I got that acceptance, I got the acceptance into Seoul Uni’s fashion program and there was no one I wanted to tell but you. You were the first person that crossed my mind. Then, on the way here I brought YOUR favourite cake, because even then. I was only thinking about you. And you’re telling me, you didn’t even fucking think of me once before you let someone else fuck you?” 

Raesung stood completely still, knowing how much he had truly fucked up. He had lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He knew it was irreparable at this point. Hyunsuk would never be able to trust him again. Just a few hours ago Raesung had told Hyunsuk he’d never leave him alone and then Hyunsuk had to witness him in the bed of another. 

Strangely enough Hyunsuk grabbed onto both of Raesung’s cheeks and left a small kiss on his lips, Raesung tried to deepen it, tried to get anything he could have of Hyunsuk. But Hyunsuk quickly pushed him off, “That was goodbye.” He ran out of the room and Raesung knew he had no right to chase after him. 

He clutched his knees to his chest and sobbed into them, he felt like his world had crashed down onto him. He felt two strong arms hold onto him and realized Byounggon was holding onto him. He should push him off, he really should. But right now he needed any support he could get. “I’m sorry.” Byounggon said. 

Raesung sobbed into his chest even more, “It’s not only your fault.” 

-

Raesung had fallen asleep on the couch, away from Byounggon. Byounggon had offered his bed to him but Raesung couldn’t. He couldn’t even go near that bed again. 

Byounggon frantically tried to wake him up, “Raesung, It’s about Hyunsuk. You need to wake the fuck up.” 

Raesung saw some of Hyunsuk’s friends at the house, all looking distraught. Gon’s eyes were bloodshot. Raesung felt his blood freeze, “What happened to Hyunsuk?” Gon didn’t answer him, only let a few tears slip from his eyes. Raesung was getting more and more scared by the minute. He looked at Junkyu, one of Hyunsuk’s only close friends. “Junkyu, what happened?” 

“Fuck you, this is your fault you asshole.” Junkyu said as he sobbed into his boyfriend Seunghun’s chest. Raesung feels more and more lost by the minute. Fearing for Hyunsuk’s safety. “I-If you hadn’t met him. I-If you hadn’t cheated on him. He would still be alive you dickhead.” Junkyu stuttered out.

Raesung’s face goes white. He feels like throwing up, “What do you mean he’d still be alive? Junkyu, what the fuck happened?” 

Junkyu glared at him, “He drowned. Jumped right into the Han River. And you know what happened before he did? He sent me a text, told me that you didn’t love him, but he knew you’d beat yourself up over his death, so even then he told me to tell you not to blame yourself. That it wasn’t only because of you and that he thanks you for keeping him sane for as long as you did. Even moments before his death, he was only thinking about you Raesung, about how you’d feel.”

Raesung breaks down, sobs escape from his mouth and he pulls at his hair. He wanted Hyunsuk back. This was his fault, if he had never cheated, Hyunsuk wouldn’t have been pushed to the edge, and he probably wouldn’t have jumped. 

Byounggon tries to hug him in an attempt to comfort him but Raesung shoves him off, “Don’t ever fucking touch me.” Byounggon feels like he’s been slapped in the face. 

-

It had been a month since Hyunsuk’s death. Raesung rarely left his house, Byounggon came almost everyday but Raesung refused to talk to him. Byoungggon was trying to feed Raesung some of the food when Raesung finally snapped, “Leave me alone. Don’t you see? This is all our fault. We fucking killed him Byounggon. We fucking killed Hyunsuk. How the fuck are you so okay right now?” 

Byounggon sighed, “I’m not okay either Raesung. You think this isn’t hurting me? I used to love him too, he was my boyfriend and bestfriend at one point. But I can’t put my life on stop because of it, me and you both know that’s now what Hyunsuk would’ve wanted. You hurt him. I hurt him and we can’t argue with those facts but we’re not the only reason that things ended up like this. He’s been hurting for a very long time Raesung, we were probably the final push but we weren’t the sole reason Raesung. He had a fragile soul, me and you both know that. He’s gone and it sucks, I know it fucking does. But he wouldn’t want you to ruin your life for him Raesung, that’s why he sent that text to Junkyu in the first place. He wants to you to forgive yourself. You shouldn’t forget what you did but you need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake and you can’t beat yourself up for the rest of your life. You need to go on with your life, if it’s not for yourself, at least live for Hyunsuk.” 

Raesung sat still, raking in all of Gon’s words before he finally broke down, he had refused to cry since that day he had found out. He had become a lifeless doll, barely eating or sleeping. He held onto Gon like a lifeline and sobbed into his chest, “I miss him so fucking much Gon.” 

Byounggon nodded into his hair, “I know.” 

“It hurts, I want him back, I just want to see him one last time. Say that i’m sorry for hurting him, for leaving him when he needed me. For not loving him like I was supposed to love him. I love him Gon, I still love him.” Byounggon sighed, “I know you do.” 

-

Little by little Raesung was trying to get his life back on track, he had started working at his dad’s company again, not yet ready for the CEO position. Things still weren’t okay, maybe they never would be, but he finally felt like he could breathe a little bit. 

Byounggon had been with him every step of the way, they had become really close. Byounggon making sure he wasn’t skipping meals, in a way Raesung thinks it’s because he felt guilty for not helping Hyunsuk more and he didn’t want Raesung to end up the same. 

Byounggon would force him to leave the house if Raesung shut himself in too much. Slowly Raesung was beginning to smile again. At night that always changed, all he ever thought about at night was about how much he wanted Hyunsuk beside him. Teasing him or showing him that smile of his whenever Raesung did something stupid. He wished that Hyunsuk still clinged onto him at night like he used to. But that would never happen again, because Hyunsuk was gone and he was never going to come back. But slowly Raesung was reaching the acceptance stage. 

-

A year after Hyunsuk’s death is when Byounggon finally asks him, they were sharing a flat together because Byounggon wanted to make sure he was okay and he wasn’t able to come to his house all the time. Raesung had agreed because honestly, it sucked being in a huge house alone since his dad was always working. 

Byounggon and Raesung did everything together now, Gon had become a constant in Raesung’s life. He was his emotional anchor. 

“Raesung, go out with me?” He says it at the dinner table and Raesung freezes, he was expecting it. He knew Byounggon had come to like him, but he couldn’t do that to Hyunsuk, no, he wouldn’t do that to Hyunsuk. 

“I can’t.” He whispers. Byounggon nods his head also expecting his answer. “I-It isn’t you. You’re wonderful Gon. But I can’t date anyone after him, especially you. You remind me too much of him, I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life. I think, you really only love truly once in this life and for me that love was with Hyunsuk. Maybe i’ll find someone who comes close to it, but I don’t think i’ll ever find someone I’ll love truly like I loved Hyunsuk. He was my first and only love, and he’ll always stay that way.” 

Byounggon sadly smiles, “I know, just figured I should say it.” Raesung nods and they eat their breakfast in silence. 

-

Raesung’s at Hyunsuk’s grave when he feels a presence sit beside him, “Hey.” Raesung looks up in shock and realizes it’s Junkyu’s voice. Junkyu hadn’t talked to him at all in the two years that had passed since Hyunsuk’s death. “Hey.” Raesung says. 

Junkyu sadly smiles at him, “I figured I’d have to tell you this eventually.” 

Raesung stares at him in confusion, “Tell me what?” 

Junkyu looks at him blankly before sighing, “His last message, I didn’t tell you all of it. The message he sent last, it said tell Raesung I love him and I always will.” 

Raesung smiles a bit while looking at Hyunsuk’s gravestone, “I really do love him Junkyu.” 

“I know that now.” Junkyu nods. “But you’re still a dumbfuck and I still hate you.” Raesung snorts, “Thanks.” 

Junkyu seems to be hesitating a bit before hugging Raesung, Raesung’s shocked at his kind gesture. He knows Junkyu will never forgive him. “I hate you, but he wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. He told me to make sure you stay happy. So, I’m going to forgive you today and only today.” Raesung smiled at Junkyu, “Thanks, Junkyu.” 

Junkyu just huffs, “Don’t expect me to be nice all the time.” 

-

Raesung eventually does find someone a few years later. His name is Jeon Woong and his smile reminds him of the innocence Hyunsuk held as well. They’re different in every other way though. He makes Raesung feel like things are going to be okay, the best part is that Raesung had told him from the start that in his heart no one could ever replace or take Hyunsuk’s place and Woong had just nodded acceptingly, “I’m not going to try to take his place. He’ll always be a part of you Raesung. But I hope that I can also take a small separate part in your heart now.” 

Raesung had smiled and kissed him, “You already have a place.” 

He hoped Hyunsuk was happy for him in heaven, he hoped that Hyunsuk had forgiven him. He’d work hard his whole life, trying to make Hyunsuk proud. Trying to make up for his mistakes and eventually he’d be able to meet Hyunsuk after death in peace. Because Hyunsuk and Raesung would always be meant for each other, they completed each other.

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo this was a rollercoaster and lowkey rlly shitty whoops


End file.
